Only In Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about my gender identity issues, and it was strangely metaphorical. Almost literary even!

In my dream, I decided to go back on hormones. Only, when I received them, they were in powder form. I could only find little bits and pieces of them to chew on, not enough to get me where I needed to go.

Also problematic was the fact that the pill bottle said I should take them at 4:30 pm and 1:30 am. But, of course, how could I be awake to take them at 1:30 am every day!?

I can't get my hands on enough estrogen, and the time isn't right to anyways. Pretty much sums up my life.

Kate

Kids and Managing Gender

I've been able to manage my gender dysphoria, in part, by focusing on my desire to have kids and a nuclear family. Recently, though, my wife was diagnosed with a condition that makes it unlikely that we will have any more children. This development has made me think long and hard about the decisions I have made and will make concerning my gender presentation. If I can't have kids, should I fear the castrating effects of hormones? If my wife should die prematurely, am I prepared to live into old age as a widow with gender identity issues? What is my obligation to a relationship that could very well make the rest of my life a living hell, now that I know something I didn't know before?

These are the questions I face today. Oddly, I seem to be contemplating them calmly and with patience. Who knows what I'll decide...

Kate

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

Toyota has released a new commercial that features transgender model Stav Strashko. Its a must see. You can view it here. I don't know if this sort of thing is considered safe for work or not; I guess it depends on where you work! There's no nudity, but certainly some suggestive visuals. Enjoy!

Kate

Lana "Larry" Wachowski

The long rumored gender swap of Larry Wachowski, one half of the movie producing brothers behind the Matrix, is now complete. You can see the results here:

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/cloud-atlas-directors-reveal-more-just-back-story-165430475.html

I think they did a pretty good job turning Larry into Lana. I mean, once you hit your 40's, this is no easy task, yet he/she looks pretty passable. Good for Lana. Can you say, "jealous," on this end?

Kate

P.S. That's a nice name, too. Lana. I like that.

Hormone-Clot Situation Update

So, after emailing a few doctors, I finally got an answer about my hormone/clot situation. An endocrinologist in Pennsylvania wrote me to say that having a history with a clot does not make me ineligible for feminizing hormone treatment, but that I should be sure to discuss all of the ramifications with my doctor, should I decide to go back on hormones at some point. Phew. I don't know what I was going to do if I was banned from hormones for life! That's like being banned from air or water. I need me some feminizing medicine!

Kate

Hormones and Clots

A couple of years ago I got a clot from temporary immobility caused by a brief hospitalization. The hospital staff told me that getting one clot puts you increased risk for another, so I have been sheepishly concerned about taking estrogrens since that first clot. Since estrogrens also increase your risk of clots, that seems like a good way to kill myself.

Still, like any tgirl, I can't help but thirst for estrogens, so I want to get the final word from a medical professional. I tried to email the doc who gave me my estrogren in the past, but his email address is defunt. I don't think he has retired, I just don't think he has a working email address.

I emailed Dr. Gary Alter, the doctor who was on E! a few years back, because I could find his email address and I knew he was respectable enough, since he was on television (that makes you respectable, right Kim Kardashian?). He replied almost immediately that he couldn't answer my question, because he only does surgery and he doesn't prescribe hormones. While it was cool to communicate with a famous surgeon to the trans community, it put me back to square one.

So, I guess I'll keep trying to find out - can a tgirl with a clotting history caused by temporary immobility ever take e again, or is she doomed to be a stupid guy forever? Ugh...the life of a tgirl.

Kate

Irritated

This morning, its irritating the shit out of me that I wasn't born a normal female. I just want to hang out with my girlfriends and experience the things girls do together! And, goddamn I need some breasts and a vagina!

Kate

Pick a Gender, Any Gender

The Washington Post is reporting that Argentina has enacted landmark legislation that now makes it easy for people to change their license to reflect the gender that they feel inside. Many transsexuals, according to the story, rushed out to change their identification, as a result.

My initial reaction to this story is that, even if we all agree that being transsexual is quite normal for a segment of the population and should be accepted, we might still want to have some meaningful rules and guidelines about when and how someone can change their recognized gender. On further consideration, I don't know if there is much merit to or need for this idea; I mean, are people really going to willy-nilly change their gender just for the fun of it?

That said, I think I'm ok with a few restrictions on changing your gender. Maybe its not ideal for everyone, but what in life is? If you feel otherwise, feel free to leave me a comment. Thanks!

Kate:)

Coming Out Young

My friend's son announced today, on Facebook, that he is bisexual. He's 13. Part of me wants to let him in on my secret and let him know that he can talk to me if he needs support, but another part of me prefers to keep my gender variance to myself.

What blows my mind about his story is that he's only 13, yet he's comfortable announcing his sexual orientation to everyone he knows. When I was his age, I hadn't fully deduced that I was transgender, but I certainly wasn't going to tell everyone I knew that I liked to dress in my sister's clothes when she wasn't around.

It took me until I was 24 to tell my parents, and even that was a stretch. I wrote them a note, left it on the counter, and drove as far and fast as I could, to avoid having to deal with their reactions, but also to ensure that I couldn't undermine my own coming out at the last minute.

It got easier for me as I got older. I told my wife (then girlfriend) within a year of knowing her; my best friend within a month or two of that; and other friends over the course of the next few months. Today, a couple dozen people know about my deep desire to live my life as a woman, and my decision to put it off in order to keep my family in tact.

I hope that my friend's son finds the support and guidance that he needs. Surely, I will be there to help if ever I can, though I'm not yet ready to tell him why I might be of particular help. Then again, he has access to the internet, where so much useful information and support can be found - including this blog - so I know he will be better off then I, who waited too long to pursue my dream of becoming a girl.

Kate

Why I Don't Pray Anymore

As a teenager, I would pray nightly that the good lord would turn me into a girl. My prayer would always start, "Dear God, I am coming to you for this the [enter number of nights I had prayed] night in a row, to ask..." This went on for something like five or six years - I got up to around 2,000 days, I think - before I gave up on that gender reassignment method. Its no wonder I'm an agnostic!

Punk Rocker Taking the Plunge

So I read on Yahoo.com today that Punk Rocker Tom Gabel is becoming a woman. I have no idea who he is, but I am glad to see that this story got some top billing and, apparently, some placement in Rolling Stone.

Sure, it would be nice if this was not news at all, but while it is, I imagine its a good way to raise awareness of the fact that you are not a maniac who lives in a case, just because you feel like a woman.

Btw, I like his new name. Its elegant. I wonder if he will continue singing? Read the full article here.

Kate:)

A Panty a Day

Today I wore panties to work, after several months of wearing men's underwear. The experience was quite freeing. The whole day I felt light, airy, and feminine. On the way home, I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to throw on a skirt over my panties, instead of my men's dress slacks, and experience things from a truly female perspective. The only drawback to the day, I have to admit, was when I went to the bathroom in the men's restoom, and had to be especially careful to keep my panties above the stall door line, in case anyone came in and could see them. That would have been an awkward conversation! Luckily, I made it through unscathed. Maybe I will go again tomorrow!

Kate

American Transgender

My BFF Coley turned me on to the fact that NatGeo was showing a program called American Transgender tonight, so I tuned in. The show followed three trans people, two ftms and one mtf. The mtf was super cute, but she ended up marrying one of the ftms, who I didn't think was very cute at all:(  Still, she made a good looking bride.

That said, I think its funny how ftms are so well represented in tv shows about trans people. I guess it would be appropriate to give them 50-50 coverage, even though they are far fewer than mtfs, just because its good to show both sides of the coin. However, I think the media gives ftms more than 50-50 coverage, which is super bizarre to me. I mean, we all know that mtfs are the thing to be!

Anyways, just an observation. If you are a ftm and read this blog, or know a ftm, feel free to comment with complaints.

Thanks!

Kate:)

How do you make a decision?

In the past few weeks, my need to transition from male to female has grown back to its previously significant levels. This follows a period of relative calm, in which I had the problem fairly well under control.

Complicating things are two events that have recently happened in my life. One, I had a blot clot and now I don't know whether I will ever be able to take female hormones again. Two, I had a son.

The blood clot came about during a sick spell in which I spent a lot of time on my back. Prolonged immobility led to the clot, but I imagine that a doctor would consider me at higher risk for clots in the future and tell me not to take conjugated estrogens. If this is so, I will really have to rethink my life - taking estrogen was ALWAYS an option, I thought.

Having a son was a great thing that happened to me, but it complicates matters now. If I decided to transition anytime in the near future, my wife would surely want to leave me and a custody fight might ensue. The other possibility - and I think its a real possibility - is that my wife would let me have custody of my son. If that happens, I would have to structure my life, and my transition, around being a single parent. Fun, right?

So, these are the problems a transgendered person gets themselves into when they don't have the guts to leave their spouse, who they love, after their spouse decides that they can't stand by and watch their partner change genders (despite having known full well about this possibility prior to marriage). Oh well and blarg!

Kate