Monday, October 15, 2012

Only In Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about my gender identity issues, and it was strangely metaphorical. Almost literary even!

In my dream, I decided to go back on hormones. Only, when I received them, they were in powder form. I could only find little bits and pieces of them to chew on, not enough to get me where I needed to go.

Also problematic was the fact that the pill bottle said I should take them at 4:30 pm and 1:30 am. But, of course, how could I be awake to take them at 1:30 am every day!?

I can't get my hands on enough estrogen, and the time isn't right to anyways. Pretty much sums up my life.


Saturday, October 13, 2012

Kids and Managing Gender

I've been able to manage my gender dysphoria, in part, by focusing on my desire to have kids and a nuclear family. Recently, though, my wife was diagnosed with a condition that makes it unlikely that we will have any more children. This development has made me think long and hard about the decisions I have made and will make concerning my gender presentation. If I can't have kids, should I fear the castrating effects of hormones? If my wife should die prematurely, am I prepared to live into old age as a widow with gender identity issues? What is my obligation to a relationship that could very well make the rest of my life a living hell, now that I know something I didn't know before?

These are the questions I face today. Oddly, I seem to be contemplating them calmly and with patience. Who knows what I'll decide...