Thursday, July 3, 2014

Eight Crazy Months

Over the past eight months, as I have pursued my transition, so much has happened. I have been short on writing about it, in part because it seems at times surreal, but mostly because transitioning with concurrent family and work obligations has made time for reflection a rare and fleeting resource.

I think its time to recap, though, as I begin to think about going full time, perhaps by the end of 2014. Drumroll, please - key highlights of my transition to date are, as follows:
  • October 2013 - I return to therapy and meet with a new medical doctor to discuss my plans for transition. Hormone use begun!
  • December 2013 - My doctor reports that my lab work shows a hormone panel consistent with that of a natal woman for the first time.
  • February 2014 - Fear and self doubt bring me close to calling transition quits, again. With persistence and the support of friends and my therapist, I pull through and stay on the train:) Divorce looks more and more likely.
  • March 2014 - I meet with a friend and her hair stylist to talk about options for feminizing my hair style. While not a candidate for extensions, I am told that there are some good options available to me.
  • April 2014 - My friend Mari and I go shopping and I buy some respectable girl clothes that fit well and look nice. Good clothes make my cheap wig look bad, so I replace it with a better cut. I come out to a good friend. My wife tells me that, after much consideration, she doesn't want to divorce.
  • May 2014 - I snap some shots of me in girl mode that I find almost passable, and ask a friend to test that hypothesis in her social network. Four different women look at the pics without asking, "Is that a boy?"
  • June 2014 - Its no longer acceptable for me to wear tight t-shirts in boy mode, as my chest is pretty visible now. I come out to a friend in my working life.
Ok, so now for the excitement - I am planning to go out in public for the first time this weekend! Eek! A good friend has agreed to go out with me, and help me take this hugely important step in my journey. This night, if it comes off as planned, will be decades in the making. To say that I am nervous and elated at the same time is the understatement of a lifetime.

So, what's next, you ask? In the final third of the year, I need to practice going out in girl mode in a big way. I also need to start hair removal on my face and chest and keep building my wardrobe. There are the matters, too, of coming out to my kids, siblings, and employer, all of which are super stressful, but doable.

With all of this out of the way, I would be well positioned to go full time January 1, 2015, complete my Real Life Test (a year living in girl mode) by December 31, 2015, and undergo SRS (sex reassignment surgery) (and maybe get implants, depending on how I develop) before my 35th birthday in November 2016.

Ok, now my brain is tired. Thanks for listening and for your support. I couldn't do it without each one of you.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Now It Gets Hard

Ugh. What trouble it is to be transgendered.

After 100 days or so of hormones, I'm struggling to decided whether I should continue with my transition. I have frequent doubt, though most of it is not about whether transitioning is right for me personally, but about whether the trade-offs and sacrifices are worth the end result. Sometimes they seem worth it, sometimes not.

I'm also terribly insecure and embarrassed when it comes to the thought of being called out - and that's a big problem for a tgirl, who is likely to get called out a bunch before settling into their new gender. I freaked out yesterday and got my hair cut back to a boy look, eliminating 5 months of growing out my hair in about 20 minutes.

If you asked me yesterday morning, should I continue my transition, I had arrived at a firm no. I was feeling tired, worried about how my kids would grow up to see me, and apathetic about the whole thing. I skipped my estradiol for the day and told my wife I planned to give up the whole shabang.

This morning, I took some pictures of my body so I could remember my trans-progress when the effects had worn off; instantly, I remembered why I wanted to change genders in the first place, and I couldn't imagine quitting my transition! I popped that estradiol and got back on the tgirl bandwagon.

Thankfully, my therapist, who had been out sick, is back working again, and I have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I need to see her urgently and to get this all worked out. Why is this sooooo hard??? All of my life I wanted to be a girl, and when the moment comes where I have to get to doing it, I get doubt and worry and become overwhelmed to the point of quitting.

But I can't quit. I must NOT stop this time. I must be a bull in a china shop. I know internally that this is right for me, that this will help me to live as I have always wanted to live, and to stop fretting about when and how should I become a girl. No matter how long and hard the road, I have to do this. Too bad its a super long, super hard road with no end in sight and a lot of obstacles in my way!


Friday, January 3, 2014

Hair, Hormones, and Hooters

I am now approaching 2.5 months on Estradiol, and my transgender journey continues to pick up steam.

In mid-December, a friend took me to see a hair stylist, to weigh my options for feminizing my hair. The stylist noted a moderate level of hair thinning on my head, and indicated I was not a good candidate for extensions. She did think I was a good candidate for other hair restoration and elongation techniques, and referred me to see a specialist for more information.

After my appointment, my friend gave me a bag of hand-me-downs, which was soooo generous of her. I love them all, and I am so grateful for her support. She is getting married in September, and I hope I am girlie enough by then to go to her wedding en femme. Too bad she’s not having a bachelorette party:(

On the 20th of December I saw my medical doctor. He reports that my labs all look pretty good. The blood I gave in October showed a low level of testosterone, and that was before starting hormones! He took more blood on the 20th, which revealed that the Estradiol I am taking has moved my estrogen and testosterone levels into the range of a normal female, just as I need them to be.  

As for the continued development of my body, I definitely have some breast out-pouching at this point. My chest is always tender and sensitive, and I’m watching my curves daily for the first real signs of a feminine chest. The rest of me seems about the same as before, but they say these things happen in fits and starts, so that is to be expected.

Here’s hoping 2014 brings me the curves that I want, and the passable feminine lifestyle to boot!

Thanks for reading;)