Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Now It Gets Hard

Ugh. What trouble it is to be transgendered.

After 100 days or so of hormones, I'm struggling to decided whether I should continue with my transition. I have frequent doubt, though most of it is not about whether transitioning is right for me personally, but about whether the trade-offs and sacrifices are worth the end result. Sometimes they seem worth it, sometimes not.

I'm also terribly insecure and embarrassed when it comes to the thought of being called out - and that's a big problem for a tgirl, who is likely to get called out a bunch before settling into their new gender. I freaked out yesterday and got my hair cut back to a boy look, eliminating 5 months of growing out my hair in about 20 minutes.

If you asked me yesterday morning, should I continue my transition, I had arrived at a firm no. I was feeling tired, worried about how my kids would grow up to see me, and apathetic about the whole thing. I skipped my estradiol for the day and told my wife I planned to give up the whole shabang.

This morning, I took some pictures of my body so I could remember my trans-progress when the effects had worn off; instantly, I remembered why I wanted to change genders in the first place, and I couldn't imagine quitting my transition! I popped that estradiol and got back on the tgirl bandwagon.

Thankfully, my therapist, who had been out sick, is back working again, and I have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I need to see her urgently and to get this all worked out. Why is this sooooo hard??? All of my life I wanted to be a girl, and when the moment comes where I have to get to doing it, I get doubt and worry and become overwhelmed to the point of quitting.

But I can't quit. I must NOT stop this time. I must be a bull in a china shop. I know internally that this is right for me, that this will help me to live as I have always wanted to live, and to stop fretting about when and how should I become a girl. No matter how long and hard the road, I have to do this. Too bad its a super long, super hard road with no end in sight and a lot of obstacles in my way!


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