Eight Crazy Months

Over the past eight months, as I have pursued my transition, so much has happened. I have been short on writing about it, in part because it seems at times surreal, but mostly because transitioning with concurrent family and work obligations has made time for reflection a rare and fleeting resource.

I think its time to recap, though, as I begin to think about going full time, perhaps by the end of 2014. Drumroll, please - key highlights of my transition to date are, as follows:

• October 2013 - I return to therapy and meet with a new medical doctor to discuss my plans for transition. Hormone use begun!
• December 2013 - My doctor reports that my lab work shows a hormone panel consistent with that of a natal woman for the first time.
• February 2014 - Fear and self doubt bring me close to calling transition quits, again. With persistence and the support of friends and my therapist, I pull through and stay on the train:) Divorce looks more and more likely.
• March 2014 - I meet with a friend and her hair stylist to talk about options for feminizing my hair style. While not a candidate for extensions, I am told that there are some good options available to me.
• April 2014 - My friend Mari and I go shopping and I buy some respectable girl clothes that fit well and look nice. Good clothes make my cheap wig look bad, so I replace it with a better cut. I come out to a good friend. My wife tells me that, after much consideration, she doesn't want to divorce.
• May 2014 - I snap some shots of me in girl mode that I find almost passable, and ask a friend to test that hypothesis in her social network. Four different women look at the pics without asking, "Is that a boy?"
• June 2014 - Its no longer acceptable for me to wear tight t-shirts in boy mode, as my chest is pretty visible now. I come out to a friend in my working life.

Ok, so now for the excitement - I am planning to go out in public for the first time this weekend! Eek! A good friend has agreed to go out with me, and help me take this hugely important step in my journey. This night, if it comes off as planned, will be decades in the making. To say that I am nervous and elated at the same time is the understatement of a lifetime.

So, what's next, you ask? In the final third of the year, I need to practice going out in girl mode in a big way. I also need to start hair removal on my face and chest and keep building my wardrobe. There are the matters, too, of coming out to my kids, siblings, and employer, all of which are super stressful, but doable.

With all of this out of the way, I would be well positioned to go full time January 1, 2015, complete my Real Life Test (a year living in girl mode) by December 31, 2015, and undergo SRS (sex reassignment surgery) (and maybe get implants, depending on how I develop) before my 35th birthday in November 2016.

Ok, now my brain is tired. Thanks for listening and for your support. I couldn't do it without each one of you.

Love!
Kate

Now It Gets Hard

Ugh. What trouble it is to be transgendered.

After 100 days or so of hormones, I'm struggling to decided whether I should continue with my transition. I have frequent doubt, though most of it is not about whether transitioning is right for me personally, but about whether the trade-offs and sacrifices are worth the end result. Sometimes they seem worth it, sometimes not.

I'm also terribly insecure and embarrassed when it comes to the thought of being called out - and that's a big problem for a tgirl, who is likely to get called out a bunch before settling into their new gender. I freaked out yesterday and got my hair cut back to a boy look, eliminating 5 months of growing out my hair in about 20 minutes.

If you asked me yesterday morning, should I continue my transition, I had arrived at a firm no. I was feeling tired, worried about how my kids would grow up to see me, and apathetic about the whole thing. I skipped my estradiol for the day and told my wife I planned to give up the whole shabang.

This morning, I took some pictures of my body so I could remember my trans-progress when the effects had worn off; instantly, I remembered why I wanted to change genders in the first place, and I couldn't imagine quitting my transition! I popped that estradiol and got back on the tgirl bandwagon.

Thankfully, my therapist, who had been out sick, is back working again, and I have an appointment to see her tomorrow. I need to see her urgently and to get this all worked out. Why is this sooooo hard??? All of my life I wanted to be a girl, and when the moment comes where I have to get to doing it, I get doubt and worry and become overwhelmed to the point of quitting.

But I can't quit. I must NOT stop this time. I must be a bull in a china shop. I know internally that this is right for me, that this will help me to live as I have always wanted to live, and to stop fretting about when and how should I become a girl. No matter how long and hard the road, I have to do this. Too bad its a super long, super hard road with no end in sight and a lot of obstacles in my way!

Kate

Hair, Hormones, and Hooters

I am now approaching 2.5 months on Estradiol, and my transgender journey continues to pick up steam.

In mid-December, a friend took me to see a hair stylist, to weigh my options for feminizing my hair. The stylist noted a moderate level of hair thinning on my head, and indicated I was not a good candidate for extensions. She did think I was a good candidate for other hair restoration and elongation techniques, and referred me to see a specialist for more information.

After my appointment, my friend gave me a bag of hand-me-downs, which was soooo generous of her. I love them all, and I am so grateful for her support. She is getting married in September, and I hope I am girlie enough by then to go to her wedding en femme. Too bad she’s not having a bachelorette party:(

On the 20^th of December I saw my medical doctor. He reports that my labs all look pretty good. The blood I gave in October showed a low level of testosterone, and that was before starting hormones! He took more blood on the 20^th, which revealed that the Estradiol I am taking has moved my estrogen and testosterone levels into the range of a normal female, just as I need them to be.  

As for the continued development of my body, I definitely have some breast out-pouching at this point. My chest is always tender and sensitive, and I’m watching my curves daily for the first real signs of a feminine chest. The rest of me seems about the same as before, but they say these things happen in fits and starts, so that is to be expected.

Here’s hoping 2014 brings me the curves that I want, and the passable feminine lifestyle to boot!

Thanks for reading;)

Kate

Seven Weeks on Estrogen

Greetings blog readers! Its time for an update on my transition from male to female.

I am now seven weeks into estrogen therapy, and the results are modest but ongoing. My body has redistributed a great deal of fat from my abdomen to my chest, hips, and thighs, such that my measurements are now definitely feminine. I can't say for sure whether I have breast nodule formation just yet, but my chest is often tingly and achy - as though the process is underway.

A few weeks ago, my wife surprised me by declaring that she would stay with me through my transition. While I take that with a grain of salt, as it could change at any time, it is a promising development. She did ask a favor of me - that I store sperm in case we decide to have another child. I have been trying to get a hold of a fertility clinic for this reason, but haven't had much luck.

I am scheduled to see my primary care doc on the 20th of December, at which time I will ask him for a referral to a fertility clinic. Hopefully he can make that happen. Also, I suspect he may choose to increase my hormone dosing, as my current regime is on the low side of things.

One other note: my good friend has arranged a salon consultation with her hair dresser for me, so I can get some idea about what to do with my hair. Its overgrown and shaggy right now, while I try to decide if I should grow it out and supplement it with extensions, or whether I will need to wear wigs indefinitely to pass as a girl. My friend also says she has a bag of hand me downs that she plans to give me then, which makes me so excited, and she is getting married next October, thereby giving me a date when I need to be passing (so I can go to the bachelorette party, of course!).

Basically, I am so excited about transitioning:)

One thing I will need to do soon that I am not looking forward to is to tell my parents that my transition plans are back on. They have always been super supportive, but I know they would rather their son be happy as a boy. So, there's that - after the holidays. Until then, keep being awesome, and I will keep trying to be awesome, too.

Love!

Kate

Week 3: So Smooth Its Scary

My transition continues to chug along, with the week three milestone being passed just yesterday. So far, things are going incredibly well, to the point that I am waiting for one or both metaphorical shoes to drop!

This weekend, my wife told me that she loves me and plans to stay with me, even if I go through with a full bottom surgery. I know she may change her mind when it comes to this, but I'm amazed at how far she has come in so little time.

She also told me that she has been posting about our situation on TG-spouse message boards, and that the information she obtained has been very helpful to her. From conversation, it sounds like her primary concern is for my health, especially in light of my past clotting issues.

One request my wife had of me was that I store some of my swimmers before the hormones kill them off. It seems she would really like to have another child with me in a few years, sex change or not. I am more than willing to do this, as I am committed to making our marriage work, short of stopping my transition.

My body continues its slow ascent to femininity. I've not noticed much different from last week, but they say these things come in fits and starts, so I have my fingers crossed for next week and beyond. One change I have noticed is mental: on testosterone, I was constantly setting goals and trying to change the world; on estrogen, I'm much more ok with the way things are. That could just be a result of the stress of home and family life right now, not the hormones, but there does seem to be some kind of calming affect going on as a result of the estrogen.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for reading!

Kate

Two Weeks of Tweaking Me

Tomorrow marks two weeks since I started my regimen of 4 mg Estradiol, with the purpose of transforming myself from a he to a she. In that short time, I have noticed a host of changes to my body, including:

• Softening of the skin all over my body. Specifically, there is a layer of fat under my skin in places where it wasn't before. 
• A change in my pubic hair from a male type to a female type. Its hard to say what this means exactly, but you would know it if you saw it.
• Changes in my face. Yes, there is new fat on my cheeks and upper face, which is starting to round out a bit. I noticed it in the mirror this week.
• A bigger chest and butt. Both are the result of redistributed fat, rather than new tissue growth, but I'll take it how I can get it. 

Things at home have been going much better this week. My wife, who had been struggling with the post-baby blues, went to her doctor and got on some prescription medicine. This has made her much easier to get along with, and its making my transition all the smoother.

Thanks this week to my friend Melissa, who gave me a bunch of advice on being a girl, including what moisturizer to use. I picked some up the other day and I am loving the results so far.

Kate

Loading Girl Me....1 Percent Complete

The past week has been quite interesting. The magic hormone pills have started to soften my skin and redistribute fat from my abdomen to my chest, hips, and butt. I lost 3 inches from my waist in the last seven days, to give you a sense of how dramatic the changes can be. In thinking about my transition, it strikes me that it takes about 2 years to get the majority of the effects from hormones, and I've just completed my first week. So, I'm about 1 percent done. Only 99 percent to go. How very exciting.

My relationship with my wife continues to be complex. Some days she loves me and is willing to give life together a try, and other days she hates me and thinks I am ruining her life by marching on to transition. She's been having trouble with the baby blues since the birth of our daughter in August, so I am hopeful that she will be better able to cope after seeing her doctor with this information today. It may not make our relationship work, but at least she will be able to make decisions for herself, and communicate with me, in a way that is healthy for us both.

For my part, I saw my therapist this afternoon. First time in four years. Not a thing had changed in her office, other than the fact that we both had phones which could access the internet. Ha! It was nice unloading the last four years of my life on her, and she took it in stride. Her big concerns were a) how we tell my 11 year old; b) whether my sexuality will remain fixed once I transition; and c) if my wife might be open to working with her, since she is an expert in dealing with spouses of men who become women. I have had more than a few thoughts about a and b, and I hope that my wife will consider c.

Thanks for reading!

Kate

Passing the Exam

I had my appointment today with the hormone doctor. It went very well. He prescribed for me 4 mgs daily Estradiol, and promised to increase it to 6 mg at my next appointment, if that doesn't do the trick.

We had a lengthy conversation about the health risks associated with estrogen, in light of my concerns about a blood clot I had a few years ago. He said to take preventative measures to guard against future clotting, but that he wouldn't with hold hormone treatment because of it.

One of the niceties of this regime is that I will have to take fewer pills, and less often, than when I was on Premarin and Provera a few years ago. This will make it easier to manage, and I won't always have to be watching the clock, thinking about my next meds.

Tomorrow morning, I will start my new medicine. I am so looking forward to it. It has been a long time coming, and I regret stopping hormone use when I was 25 and first started using them. Oh well. Not much I can do about that now, but I can be dedicated to making it through my transition this time.

Wish me luck,

Kate

Itty-Bity Baby Steps

Great news! I got through to my psychologist and scheduled an appointment for the 28th. She has not retired, and I am very much looking forward to seeing her for the first time in four years. Also, when I called her, she referred me to another hormone doctor!

It turned out that the doctor she referred me to was not accepting new patients. No problem, however; I did some research and came up with another doctor that works with tgirls nearby. First, I sent him an email to see if he was accepting new patients, and accepting patients like me. He didn't respond right away, and I was antsy, so I called his office directly.

The receptionist was very nice and even asked if I had a name that I wanted to be called other than my boy name (I said not yet, but in hindsight I should have told them to call me Kate; mentally, that seems slightly orgasmic). My appointment is scheduled for the 21st.  Good lord I am excited for that appointment.

I asked my psychologist to send to the hormone doctor a letter indicating that I do indeed have ongoing gender dysphoria and that I am a proper candidate for hormone treatment. Hopefully, it will get there in time. I would really love to start hormones on my way out the door of the doctor's office on Monday, and not have to wait for paperwork or random lab tests or something like that.

My key concern is that the hormone doctor will give me crap about hormone use because I once had a blood clot, and a history of blood clots, like hormones, are indicated in increased risk of clot formation. Though, I did contact a specialist once who said that my history of having a clot should not preclude me from hormone use. I hope that specialist knew what they were talking about.

Over the past few days, I have already been getting ready for my appointments and transition. I've been gradually removing all of my ugly boy body hair, which I had let creep back in over the past few months. Also, I started a diet, ordered some new girl underwear to wear to my appointments and around town, and did some touch up reading on the transition process and what I can expect from hormone use.

Another fun thing I did was look up female body sizes and types, so I can get a sense of what I might look like at various weights once I transition. It looks like my ideal weight for my height is around 160 lbs, but I could even pull off 170 lbs I think. Definitely, though, I need to get my weight down.

Well, that's all for now! Thanks for reading:)

Kate

It Is Time

After years of trying to keep my transgender identity under wraps, I have decided it is now time to move ahead with my transition.

Yesterday, I told my wife that I thought our relationship was damaged in myriad ways by my keeping things a secret, and that I intend to start hormones again soon. At first she was very hurt, sensing that I was leaving her behind, but I reassured her over and over again that my intention is to stay with her. Eventually, she said she loved me and gave me the biggest hug she has given me in months. I don't take her reaction to mean she is supportive, just that she's going to hang around as long as she can.

This morning I called my hormone doctor, but he retired! Arg. Now I have to find a new one. I called my therapist to schedule an appointment and to see if she could recommend another doctor, but she hasn't been answering. I hope she didn't retire, too! I am soooo ready to get back on the happy, magic pills we call estrogen, and to get my body looking and feeling like I have long dreamed for it to be.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me in the past, and thanks to everyone who will support me this time. There is no stopping me now.

Kate

A Very Powerful Motivation

One of my bestest friends in the whole world is engaged to be married, and she has asked me to be her bridesmaid. She has not set a date for the wedding yet, but I know I need every minute between now and then to get into shape and looking good. There is just no way that I can stand up in the wedding if I don't drop some weight and practice my female voice and make up skills religiously between now and then. Wish me luck! I am so excited...

Kate

Life Update - April 2013

Things are going very well in my life, now that I have decided to stay in non-op mode for the indefinite future. My home and work life are very stable, and I am very much enjoying raising a family of my own. Of course, I have accepted serious trade-offs in pursuit of the good life. I do not get to spend as much time in girl mode as I would like, and I often find myself pining to participate in female-centered activities which I cannot currently engage in.

For example, I found a flyer for a mommy-toddler group that I would like to follow up on, but I don't think the local moms would take too kindly to what appears to be a man walking in on their "mom time." Then, of course, there are the days when I overhear pretty girls talking about something I am interested in, but I have to withdraw from butting in, because they might have a problem with what appears to be a man having such a strong opinion about a dress or hairstyle.

I do still find plenty of outlets through which to exercise my feminine side, which is probably part of what keeps me sane. At least one of my friends has me stored in her phone under my female persona, and treats me as though I am 100 percent girl. Another friend is always asking for opinions on outfits and beauty, which makes me feel fantastic.

In many ways, I often live in male appearance only.  For example, the other day I had lunch with two women I know through work, and the only thing that was male at our table was the waiter. The three of us talked and talked and talked about people and hobbies and all sorts of things, and the lunch ended with this pair telling me they felt so free to express themselves around me. I desperately wanted to schedule another lunch with them - or, better yet, a shopping trip - but I had to think better of it on account of my penis, etc.

Soon, I think, I need to plan a weekend away in which I spend every waking moment as my true self, a girl. Oh the trouble I could get into...

I love you all!

Kate

Schools in Massachusetts Let Trans Kids in the Bathroom

I was very excited to see that schools in Massachusetts will now allow trans kids to use the bathroom that conforms to their internal gender identity. It did make me kind of jealous to read this, though; I kept thinking, why couldn't I have been born 20 years later, and in Massachusetts?

Read about it here:

http://www.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2013/02/20/mass-department-education-issues-directive-trans-students

Kate

P.S. Its especially funny to read about this on the Christian and Family Rights news sites, where they are imagining a whole host of nasty and perverted things happening as a result of this development.

The Fear that Was

Last night, I was up late and I was thinking a lot about my teens years. Specifically, I was wondering why it was that I was so afraid to come out about my gender identity issues, and how my life would have been different if I would have admitted to my parents that I wanted to be a girl at a much earlier age.

I was fourteen when I really became aware that I was transgendered, though I had been behaving as such for years. As a small boy, I remember fancying a girlie high chair, sneaking into my sister's room to play tea, and always wanting to play with the girls in the play kitchen in preschool. When my sister, who is two years older than me, began wearing bras, I would fish them out of the laundry hamper and wear them for as long as I could before I thought someone would ask me why I was taking such long showers each night. As I got older, I kept trying on her clothes, only I would wait for everyone to leave the house and then raid her room or find bags she intended to donate to charity in the basement and dance around the house for hours in full feminine attire. The number of times I almost got caught was very high, and my sister often made remarks that left me suspicious that she knew about my transgendered ways.

In the evenings, my thoughts about transitioning were always the hardest. I would go to bed and think about what life would be like as a girl, or what it would be like to come out to my parents and start the transition process. Its not really clear to me to this day what I was afraid of - I always suspected that my parents would be supportive and loving if I told them I wanted to be a girl. I guess there were a number of factors that prevented me from coming out as a teen: I liked girls and wanted to be able to have sex with them (and I didn't know enough about being a lesbian to make sense of it all), I wanted to have kids later in life, and I just didn't know anyone that lived any kind of alternative lifestyle on which to pattern my behavior. I guess it just never seemed to me that I could come out as transgendered, be accepted, get treatment, and live the rest of my life as a full fledged woman.

So, what would my life have been like if I would have done it - if I would have come out at fourteen or fifteen? Well, I think I would have been sent to a doctor, who would have sent me to therapy. And, that therapy would have led to hormones by 16 or so, and SRS by 18 or 19. I would have prevented a great deal of my male traits from developing, and my feminine development would have been much more pronounced and favorable. Sadly, I wouldn't have met my wife or had kids, because I probably would have experimented with boys, and ended up becoming a wife. Maybe I would have adopted kids and become a mother and home maker, then grown old as a grand mother. Who knows? Its an interesting thought experiment, and some part of me wishes that I could know what would have happened if I had been more courageous, more daring. Sadly, I will never know.

Where does all this leave me? Well, at present I am managing my non-operative status pretty well. My urges to transition certainly come along on a semi-frequent basis, but I try to distract myself. Life is distraction enough some days. Other days, I fret that if I don't transition soon, the opportunity will pass me by. Another part of me, however, is pretty confident that I will end up transitioning some day, and that I will know the joys of having my own female body (including breasts and those naughty bits that I long for on a daily basis). I think about having long flowing hair, if only by false means at this point, and about the way estrogen changes the texture and feel of your skin and body hair. Urg...it gets me passionate about transitioning now, just thinking about it.

Kate

Only In Dreams

Last night, I had a dream about my gender identity issues, and it was strangely metaphorical. Almost literary even!

In my dream, I decided to go back on hormones. Only, when I received them, they were in powder form. I could only find little bits and pieces of them to chew on, not enough to get me where I needed to go.

Also problematic was the fact that the pill bottle said I should take them at 4:30 pm and 1:30 am. But, of course, how could I be awake to take them at 1:30 am every day!?

I can't get my hands on enough estrogen, and the time isn't right to anyways. Pretty much sums up my life.

Kate

Kids and Managing Gender

I've been able to manage my gender dysphoria, in part, by focusing on my desire to have kids and a nuclear family. Recently, though, my wife was diagnosed with a condition that makes it unlikely that we will have any more children. This development has made me think long and hard about the decisions I have made and will make concerning my gender presentation. If I can't have kids, should I fear the castrating effects of hormones? If my wife should die prematurely, am I prepared to live into old age as a widow with gender identity issues? What is my obligation to a relationship that could very well make the rest of my life a living hell, now that I know something I didn't know before?

These are the questions I face today. Oddly, I seem to be contemplating them calmly and with patience. Who knows what I'll decide...

Kate

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

Toyota has released a new commercial that features transgender model Stav Strashko. Its a must see. You can view it here. I don't know if this sort of thing is considered safe for work or not; I guess it depends on where you work! There's no nudity, but certainly some suggestive visuals. Enjoy!

Kate

Lana "Larry" Wachowski

The long rumored gender swap of Larry Wachowski, one half of the movie producing brothers behind the Matrix, is now complete. You can see the results here:

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/cloud-atlas-directors-reveal-more-just-back-story-165430475.html

I think they did a pretty good job turning Larry into Lana. I mean, once you hit your 40's, this is no easy task, yet he/she looks pretty passable. Good for Lana. Can you say, "jealous," on this end?

Kate

P.S. That's a nice name, too. Lana. I like that.

Hormone-Clot Situation Update

So, after emailing a few doctors, I finally got an answer about my hormone/clot situation. An endocrinologist in Pennsylvania wrote me to say that having a history with a clot does not make me ineligible for feminizing hormone treatment, but that I should be sure to discuss all of the ramifications with my doctor, should I decide to go back on hormones at some point. Phew. I don't know what I was going to do if I was banned from hormones for life! That's like being banned from air or water. I need me some feminizing medicine!

Kate

Hormones and Clots

A couple of years ago I got a clot from temporary immobility caused by a brief hospitalization. The hospital staff told me that getting one clot puts you increased risk for another, so I have been sheepishly concerned about taking estrogrens since that first clot. Since estrogrens also increase your risk of clots, that seems like a good way to kill myself.

Still, like any tgirl, I can't help but thirst for estrogens, so I want to get the final word from a medical professional. I tried to email the doc who gave me my estrogren in the past, but his email address is defunt. I don't think he has retired, I just don't think he has a working email address.

I emailed Dr. Gary Alter, the doctor who was on E! a few years back, because I could find his email address and I knew he was respectable enough, since he was on television (that makes you respectable, right Kim Kardashian?). He replied almost immediately that he couldn't answer my question, because he only does surgery and he doesn't prescribe hormones. While it was cool to communicate with a famous surgeon to the trans community, it put me back to square one.

So, I guess I'll keep trying to find out - can a tgirl with a clotting history caused by temporary immobility ever take e again, or is she doomed to be a stupid guy forever? Ugh...the life of a tgirl.

Kate